A morning in the sun

This morning we were up early to make the most of the beautiful weather. We met up with Aga in Holland Park at 9.30 and spent the morning at the playground.

Aga looked so lovely and summery and Una looked rather chic in her jumpsuit and floppy sunhat, both from Baby Gap.
After an hour in the sandpit we strolled to the kyoto garden and looked at the fish.

Holland Park is such an amazing park, the perfect place to spend a morning with children. Between the waterfall, fish pond, peacocks and all the beautiful flowers, there are so many interesting things to look at, you never get bored and neither do the kids.

The return of summer

The last few days have been glorious. We've been lazying around in the garden most of the time. This afternoon we had a beautiful prawn and avocado salad, and for dessert pavlova and homemade elderflower fizz, delicious. The rest of the afternoon I will spend researching for a project I am planning. Very exciting stuff, I just hope I can pull it off.

Stop and smell the roses

Today I've been for lunch with a friend I'd not seen in ages. I've also remembered the old saying "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" and hoped it holds some truth.

Read this when you feel like crap!

I'm ready

I am ready for the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach to disappear. I am ready to stop making excuses for someone else. I am ready to talk about fun things again. I am ready to stop feeling shit about myself. I am ready to find out what I am capable of. I am ready to throw myself off the edge with no idea of what what waits below. I am ready for the hard fall and I am ready to start climbing back up again. I am ready to cry all the tears I need to cry, until the tears dry up and I come out on the other side. I am ready for my life to begin, to move forward. I am scared, but I am ready.

Every time it gets a little easier, I cry a little less. But this is the last time. The last time.

The elusive self-esteem

Now that I am a mother I am always thinking about how my actions and decisions will affect my daughter and her life. It's no longer all about me, there is a new focus. There are a lot of practicalities to consider, I think about where we will live, what kind of school she will go to. I think about how I can incorporate the swedish language and culture in her life. I think about how I should best enable her to have close relationships with her grandmother and uncles in sweden. I also think about how my actions and decisions will affect the way she feels herself. If I am worrying about my weight and displaying negative feelings towards my body, what signals am I sending to her? If I take drastic actions to change my appearance (dieting, cosmetic procedures such as botox or even surgery) am I showing her that if she isn't "pretty" or young looking, she isn't good enough? The big one for me is how to instil high self-esteem in her. It is, as we all know, key to happiness and is the foundation of self confidence and other positive emotional characteristics. All parents want their children to have high self esteem, but HOW do we go about insuring our children get it? Self-esteem is known to be massively affected by experience in childhood, such as abuse or bereavement. But I wouldn't say it's as simple as that. I had a good childhood with loving parents. They separated when I was very young, but I never experienced negative emotions towards this (that I can remember) and my father continued to be a part of and take an interest in my life. I was always told I was loved, my mother always had time for me, listened to me and took me seriously. I had a good relationship with my siblings, was never bullied in school (on the contrary, I was always liked and had many friends) and I never went through any major traumatic events. In spite of all this I would say I have fairly low self-esteem. I worry a lot about what people think if me, if I am good enough. For example, before posting something on my blog I will consider how it may be received and what it could infer to the reader about me as a person. I don't assume that people like me or that what I have to say is interesting. Because of this I am quite jokey, in an attempt to get people to like me. I'm scared of embarrassing myself to the extent of not wanting to do things I am not very good at (like bowling!), or attempt things I might be bad at, for fear of what people will think of me (because of this I loathed P.E and stopped going all together at the age of 13). None of this is particularly extreme or uncommon, but I would say it points towards low self-esteem. I'd like to improve this because I believe it has held me back in work and affects my relationships with other people. But mainly I'd like to improve my self-esteem so that I can in turn teach my daughter to have high self-esteem. All I have to do is figure out how to do this... Easier said than done! Hopefully as I read up on the subject I can post about my findings here, stay tuned! (I was just about to add a disclaimer about any mistakes or repetitions in this text (typing with a baby on my lap!) but realise this is another example of second guessing myself!)

feel good no 2

Pink London sky on the way home from work...

feel good no 1

My first feel good:

Mooching around in the park in the fresh autumn air.

feel good

I am turning in to a neurotic wreck of a human. This has been happeing slowly over time but I am realizing it more and more at the moment.

Evidence:

The smallest thing makes me miserable/insanely jealous/furiously angry/hysterically devasted

Anything (negative) that anything says to me becomes, in my mind, 'the truth'. It is never like 'this person thinks I'm stupid' it is always 'I'm stupid!'

Every problem is MY problem. If someone is unhappy, something is wrong I feel it is my responsibility to fix it

I cry, on average, once a day

And the list goes on....,

I truly am starting to feel like I am going mad. This is not the kind of person I want to be, the kind of life I want to lead. I want to be able to enjoy life, to be happy. I always thought I was a happy person, I guess I used to be, but now I am struggling. In a an attempt to self help I am going to start documenting little things that make me feel good. Maybe that way I will start paying attention to all the good things in life, and appreciate them!