Monday, 6 October 2008

am I a selfish bastard?

I have noticed something quite worrying about myself, I have started to develop a selfish and selfcentred streak in my personality.

For example: this weekend my german friend was staying with me. We went out together on thursday and friday night and spent saturday together. Saturday night I had plans to go to a friends birthday party. These plans were made before my german friend was coming to stay and I had told her that I had to go to this party and that she was more than welcome to come along. All day saturday she was hinting that she would rather stay at home and asked did I mind. I said of course not. As it turns out the party becomes a bit of an all nighter. I end up at a friends house in west London. We end up staying there and only get back to my boyfriends house at 3 in the afternoon on sunday (he was at the party with me and lives ten minutes away, whereas my house is a 40min taxi journey, needless to say at this stage I am feeling pretty dodgy) My friend was leaving for the airport at 2.30...... Obviously I know I was being a complete dick, not going to see my friend off or even say good bye. I know that it is shitty and I am bombarding her with grovelling apologetic texts, but I can't really justify what happened. To the point, I think this demonstrates how I can be a right selfish cow.

But what I think is the main reason for my day to day less dramatic type of selfishness is wanting to be with my boyfriend. I last saw him thursday morning after I stayed at his house, before the party on saturday. As pathetic as it sounds I was really missing him at that stage. I tend to stay at his 5-6 nights a week (he doesn't stay at mine as I have the tiniest room and tiniest bed in the world, see previous post....). And when it comes to that night when I feel I should go home/I need to get more clothes/whatever other reason, it doesn't feel great. Am I just madly in love or am I a pathetic girl that depends on others and is making her boyfriend her entire world? In my defense, we spent the first year of our relationship living on opposite sides of the country (him in Newcastle and me in london), taking in turns to visit each other (this was back when I had a normal sized room and bed, oh how I miss those glorious days!) We would only see each other every 2-3 weeks, sometimes 4 or 5 weeks would pass because of cicumstances. He moved to london 3 weeks ago to be closer to me. I think I am still in the same mindset asbefore, constantly feeling that I have to make the most of every moment with him, not getting used to the fact that he is here for good now. I feel like I should stop myself from seeing him so much and speaking to him so much if I don't see him and thinking of him, distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that..... But at the same time I am so in love for the first time, I want to be with him and he wants to be with me. I guess I am just so useless at this relationship crap because I never experienced anything quite like this before.

phew, glad I got that off my chest! If anyone is still reading this, thanks for listening to (reading) my self inflicted luxury problems.

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